How adventurous my titles are...

Anyways, my computer is so crap. For ages now I've been thinking I couldn't sign in because my dad had blocked it, and now I'm just thinking the pc is stupid. Or "stupied" as Amy345 says.

Anyways, I've worked out how to unblock diaryland, but I can't do it because I need a password. Damn. Oh well... I'll search through mum's diary thing, because she generally writes passwords etc in it. It's not a diary diary, like this, it's a planner kind of thing. But who cares anyway. Even if it was, I wouldn't read it. I can guess what goes on in mother's head anyway. And she's a bitch.

But enough about her. More about me! I've finished school forever!!! It was last Friday and we had an hour long assembly which amongst other things, hurt my arse. I was walking down the corridor afterwards, rubbing my bum and looking like quasimodo. Well... I imagine I looked like that anyway.

Oooh! Here's a picture of one of my best friends. I'll miss her so much, because she's going to a different college to me. She only lives a village or two away, but I doubt I'll really get to see her much in the end. That always happens. Oh well, I have this picture to remind me of her:

Aww, she looks so pretty there.

Eh, I think I'll go...

Ah I.T... the one subject where I can be on the computer without anyone caring I am on the computer. I'm meant to be revising something to do with databases, but well... I'm bored with it. I've been away quite a while. Mostly because the fucking father appears to have successfully blocked me from logging in to bravenet it appears. God, why can't he just stop meddling. I hate it when people do that; my mother is best at it. I'm hungry. I had breakfast about four hours ago, and I don't have any lunch. Oh well, I have been thinking of dieting for quite sometime, especially since my family are always like "oh, Jessica you're so fat" bla bla bla, and "I could fit into that dress when I was thirty" *everyone chuckles except me*. I guess they don't realise how much they upset me. I got so angry the other day I tried to cut myself. I managed a little scratch and some blood on my arm, using a pair of garden clippers (I know, I know!), but I was in the garage at the time and there was nothing else to use, so I tried them. I also punched my face very hard several times, but there aren't any bruises, but it still hurts. People might think I'm weird to try self-harm, but when you're so angry and you feel like there's no point to your life, there never will be, and you feel like you're so stuck in a horrible rut, that you really don't care what the hell you do to yourself. Or at least I feel like that A LOT of the time. I sit in the bathroom crying for hours about anything, and I even cry because I can't hurt myself. It's weird, but that's me. And the other bad thing about it, is that no one else seems to notice. They all consider me the happy, optimistic Jess, with great plans, and wonderful family etc, etc. But it really isn't. I'd swap any day with Rachel for what she has. Her family might not have that much money, and it might only be half a family, but she is so lucky. Which of course she doesn't notice, as the lucky people never seem to do.
I'm going to buy Smashing Pumpkins album at the weekened hopefully. And Rachel's late birthday present. And possibly my prom dress if I find one I like. If I don't find a dress I'm not going. I didn't really want to go in the first place, but after trying on several hundred dresses, I might just go. Might.
Oh yeah- Raven, update your diaryland blog! And turn yeh bloody notes on! An for everyone else- please, please don't use those awful sound clips- they bugger up my computer majorly everytiem I try and go onto people's pages.
That is all.

Here's a banner. The link to Arwen's site si on the picture. Just clickety-click it!

Bravenet is really annoying sometimes. It makes me believe that my Dad has blocked me from logging in, like he has on Diaryland. That happened yesterday. Gurgh! Anyways, I'm speaking to my friend Sarah on msn. I don't really know her... I just added her because I found her email on an Orlando Bloom forum or something. I do that. I don't think of consequences. I just want to have contact with other people, and not worry that they will judge me too much, because it's a big likeliness I will never meet them, so I don't care what they think. But anyways, we're having a BIG conversation about television, in particualr 'Angel'. She loves Spike. Heh, we have now moved on to 'Friends' and the one where Monica has the dreadlocks, because her hair had gone all frizzy with the humidity. Heh, I loved that episode... My main favourites are in season (or is it series???) seven I think, with 'The one where they all turn thirty', and 'The one where Rosita dies'. The Rosita one is probably my favouritest (who cares if that isn't a reall word...). Anyways, I'm more at peace with Rachel now, about her going out with Kirsty, although sometimes it does weird me out, but then I think it would weird me out if she started going out with a guy as well, so meh! Emma was being really quiet with me earlier online. I felt really used. She'd fucked up her template (you can find her at http://pirates-life.diaryland.com) and she wanted me to help her sort it out. Which I did, but only because I love showing off my HTML knowledge, which doesn't really stretch that far, but is waaaay better than any of my other friends. Well I helped her and she just went off to speak with Amy I presume. She really is a man-whore. Constantly going on about how her "old m8s r gion ov slagin me ov". I mean what the fuck?! Speak English girl! I know foreigners who have better literacy skills than Amy, and they've never been to school! Anyways, on a happier note, I made pizza today! Edmundo came and slept over (Jibby's friend) (Jibby being my brother). It was good although we had eaten the bacon on the morning, and then realised we had had the sausages the night before, so Alison (sister) had to go up to the shop and buy some more. And then half-way through eating the pizza I realised I had forgotten the pepperami. Oh well... it tasted good anyway! I made a quiz today as well! Online. It's lurking on http://www.quizilla.com and it's title goes a little something like "Which Elijah Wood are you?". I love him at the moment. I've found out where I can send him fanmail, so I will be writing him a letter soonish! I may be sad, but I am a teenager, so I can't help it. I can't wait till I am eighteen. Drinking, going out where I want, and leaving home. Yippeee! I know I shouldn't want to grow up fast, but I'm sick f being stuck in such a shithole. I'm not trusted by family, some friends, my parents have made sure my teachers don't really trust me, and overall I don't like my life much. Okay, it can be alright sometimes. I know I am luckier than many, but it doesn't make me feel that much better. One good thing that is happening is that we are going to The British Museum. I can't wait! I will head straight for the Egyptian part. I love the Egyptian stuff. I watched an hour and a half of television all about Egypt. I loved it. I am SO going there when I'm older. I want to live in New Zealand, but I will definitely visit Egypt. And China. I watched 'Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon' a few nights ago. It was brilliant, although the whole flying thing didn't impress me. The whole time I was like "yeah, right, like whatevah". It may be signs of jealousy, but come on, I might be jealous of how there's such a pretty girl, in lead role, in a great film, with such great Martial Arts skills. Oh well... I can only dream of being a movie star... *sighs* Night then.

Oooh! It turns out Daddio didn't block this site from me loggin on, must have been some sort of server trouble or cookie blocker thing going on...

Heh, I now have three offical web journals, and a hand-written one. Hand-written one is being neglected currently *runs to it and gives it a comforting hug* I'll be back damnit! I will!

Gah! Jibby (mah brother) is banging away outside, with a spade. He and Dad have been laying turf for ours, on what was once a vast empty space or soil. They've been putting turf down for the past few weekends, and Watson (le puppy) has been peeing on it, and now there are large yellow areas in the new grass, where he has peed. Oh well, that's what you get when you have an incontinent puppy. Oh wait- all puppies suffer from incontinence for the first few months. So what went wrong with ours? He's about six and a half months old now. Eh well, he's a late developer lets say. Jibby is trying to teach him how to cock his leg. It isn't working...

I'm feeling strangely happy today. I don't know what it is, but I am. Maybe it's because this is working. I was actually crying earlier, so maybe the happiness has just begun.

I keep fearing my bitch of a textiles teacher is going to phone. She did yesterday to say I hadn't finished all my coursework. I know I should have, but I'm so crap with doing things, and I get distracted REALLY easily. Maybe people should do tests on me. Miss Campbell (my lovely pottery teacher) was talking to Ginge (a ginger haired loud mouth, who can be nice when he wants) about how he procrastinates. Ginge (who is rather thick) was saying "what's pracrasticion?" Miss Campbell was like "Not ... it's 'procrastination'. And it's when you avoid doing what you're meant to be doing, generally by way of talking". I'm not quite sure if that's right what she said, but it definitely fits well for me. I'll spend hours on the computer "working" or so everyone thinks, and instead I'll just be doing my usual surfing, or something. It's really not good. And I can't help it. I'm an internet addict, which my parents aren't allowed to know about, as they wouldn't understand. Diaryland was blocked from me after Dad found out I was using it, and he kept on going on about the consequences, and I kept on ignoring him and going on it anyway. Which sucks, but I can still go onto the site, just not through the homepage, and I can't log in. Unless it's somehow not been blocked like this was, and there was just something that wouldn't let me sign in for a while. ??? I hope so in a way, but I doubt it, and also it might not be such a good thing, because I really need to work, instead of lurk. Heh, I'm good at rhyming sometimes...

Well, I would like to thank http://astating.bravejournal.com for visiting my diary (http://under-shadow.diaryland.com) and signing my tag board. Muchos appreciated

Oh yeah- can people tell me what they think of my background at the moment? I'm thinking I might change it. 

One other thing. Who else is terrified by the fact that this picture of Elijah Wood when he was younger looks SO much like Harry potter?!

 

I'm sitting here in PC10 with the lovely Amy, looking at pictures of sexually transmitted diseases. What fun...

We're spending weeks on end doing work on the nasty little fuckers, like warts and gross infections. Yuck yuck yuck.

Well, it's only short, because there are more joyous pictures to go look at... oh yeah, hi to everyone whpo has added me to their friends list. I *think* I have added everyone back.

Cheerio! Oh, by the way. I haff changed my picture, because I felt like a more Lord of the Ringsy feel

I'm addicted to online journals. I now have *counts with fingers*... argh! There's too many for me to even count! I think I have about six, and I was going to become a www.livejournal.com whore, but didn't have enough time. It's scary how loads of people might actually be able to read EVERYTHING about me, but then again, I'm really not that interesting so why bother?

Hang on a second. I think I have seven. Heh, oh well...

This is difficult. I'm trying to write two entries at the same time, and I think I'm getting RSI from it. One of my fingers suffers from some horrible red bubbly type infection and it looks quite wrong, so I'm covering it up with my sleeve, so no one can see it as I type. It's tres difficile. I love French... espcially singing French words. Like on my Moulin Rouge soundtrack there's a song by this guy (no idea who he is really) called Rufus Wainwright (someone look him up- I'm lazy), and he sings this song called 'complainte de la Butte'. It's such a great song! I'm obsessed with that soundtrack. As obsessed as I am with online journals maybe! But then again maybe not...

Amy is being a bitch again. And we're not talking. We had this HUGE texting bitch fight and she was all illiterate-like as she generally always is, and was spelling like almost every word wrong. I could hardly read it. Her diary is http://amy345.diaryland.com- go count how many spelling ,mistakes she has. And then visit the 'mocking Amy' site at http://chixkiev.diaryland.com where Rachel and her "girlfriend" (as in literal girlfriend *yuck*) made. They don't like her. Not that Kirsty has met her, but still; they don't. And it's funny. Very funny. They actually added Amy and I don't think she's noticed. But oh my god! If you read the profile it's funny.

Well anyway. Entries to write... television to see...

I don’t see the point in saying what happened during my day, as generally it’s not that interesting I’ve realized. So I won’t. “Yay!” I hear everyone cry.

So yeah, I’m STILL doing that Textiles work I’ve had for… two (?) weeks. No… three. Oh well… it’ll be done eventually. I’m just not motivated enough, and I somehow think I never will be. Now that will suck if I’m planning on being a journalist when I’m older.

Oooh! I bought ‘Ed Wood’ last weekend! I haven’t watched it all yet, because I don’t really want to watch it in front of my parents, as, y’know, they don’t like swearing and such, and there’s quite a bit of strong language in it. So yeah, every time one of them walks into the room I pause it just in case; plus, I have homework and net time to be on with, and also I don’t have my own TV (grrr), and we watch a lot of programmes on the TV anyways.

Heh, I’m making a website at the moment. No wait- TWO websites! Bravenet is confusing, but I’m making templates for it at school in their Front Page software, which is pretty good actually. Then I’, also making one on www.freewebs.com which just inserts templates, and you can add things really easily as well. It’s fun in a way, but I hope I can make my own templates for it, because no offence to the freeweb peoples, but their templates suck! And so do bravenet’s templates as well.

My site (s) is(/are) basically about my fan girl fettishy things. Lord of the Rings basically, and actor people like Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, and Elijah Wood. Which reminds me! Elijah is on Graham Norton tonight! Emma’s recording it for me cos I wouldn’t be allowed. My parents call it trash.

Well… I’m off to my msn and to do more website building…. And also write an entry for my diaryland page (http://under-shadow.diaryland.com.

Ta ta!

I.C.T is so boring; I’m struggling to stay awake. We’re meant to be doing some sort of revising. I’ve noticed this is a continual occurrence in these lessons. Save me sundial…

Eugh, I hate textiles! Well… the making part of it is ok, but the courseworkyness is difficult. Especially when Mrs. H doesn’t explain ANYTHING. She just expects you to know what the hell you’re doing, and if you ask for help she looks at you as if you’re stupid, and says you should know. Well how on earth do we know if you’re not gonna tell us bitch?!

Anyway, yes… flow charts are hard. I’m speaking to Claire at the moment. I’ve never met the girl, have no idea what she looks like, but she seems more of a friend to me than those in my school, who I should know quite well. I don’t really know people that well nowadays. For example, Rachel, last week tells me she’s going out with Kirsty. Now I’m not a homophobe, but eugh! Kirsty is nineteen, Rachel is fifteen. I can’t help but dislike her a little bit for being bisexual. It’s not right for someone her age to be going out with another girl/woman four years older than her. They’ve kissed and everything. Now if I was a girl, which actually, I am! I would want my first kiss to be with a guy. As yet that has never happened for me. I’ve had boyfriends, but I’ve never kissed any of them. Rachel has never had a boyfriend in her life, and now she has a girlfriend instead. It’s just… weird. Whenever I think of her, or see her I think about it, and I feel so horrible for thinking how it’s gross, which it isn’t- it’s almost perfectly natural.

I really ought to do my textiles… but I quite like this diary thing. I have another at http://under-shadow.diaryland.com but so many people read it, that I feel like I have to write in it to entertain them, and it’s just not personal anymore. I’ll still continue to write in it, but this is going to be my special thing where no one except for me can read it, unless there is anyone out there who’s interested in how depressing I feel on my own. I love to make friends, and I have tons on www.diaryland.com but, my school friends read the damn thing, and friends of theirs do as well, so if I talk about my feelings, and I tend to get real worked up sometimes, they’ll get hurt. I hate hurting people, even if it means I’ll have to hurt instead, so it’s better if I talk about that stuff here where no one I know can lurk.

I have so much to say, but not enough time or energy to say it. Textiles to be done methinks… keep alive people- the world needs you, even if it doesn’t need an insignificant person like me.

I pity myself too much don’t I? Oh well… I’m selfish like that.